Missing Home....

[goldie75]

If anyone can relate to this or offer me any advice, it would be very appreciated.

I was born and raised in Montreal, being Quebecois is very much a part of who I am. I love Canada and most of all I am proud of being a Quebec.

At 24, I married my then boyfriend now husband (also from Montreal) and moved to the States to be with him. He had moved to the States a year earlier for a job in software. I finished school then moved to be with him.

I have to say I did not like the States from the start. I missed my family and friends, speaking french, Quebec culture, everything. Fast forward to now.
I have been living in the States for the last 7 years. I hate it here. It is not home and never will be. I have tried many different things to make myself like it and it has not happened.


I want to return home but my husband does not want to return to Canada. Work is better for him here but I feel like I have no life! He has been on TN visa and was in the process of getting sponsored a few years ago but changed companies so we are back to square one.

I ask myself why am I still here, I am on a TD visa, cannot work, I keep busy taking classes, doing volonteer work etc but I am not satisfied.

Being so far away from family and friends is hard. It would already be culture shock for a Canadian moving to the States but being from Quebec makes it doubly hard!

Anyone else in a situation where one wants to go back to Canada and one wants to remain in the States?

Please advise.

[Reba]

While I can't say I'm in the exact same position, mine is similar. The main difference being of course that my husband is American, and I'm from Toronto, not Montreal.

I moved to small town western North Carolina to be with my husband, and I really don't like it much at all. There's nothing to do, I have tried for 3 years to find friends I can relate to, someone to hang out with or to call up when I'm bored or lonely and need a shoulder, and I have yet to find that person. I left a close family and handful of friends back home, and I'm quickly losing touch with all of them because of the distance. I can't travel home very often to visit because we're broke (small town North Carolina and the jobs are scarce. Even with a job, the wages are crap!) My friends back home have families and mortgages and bills and also cannot afford to travel here to see me. So I feel very very alone most of the time.

My husband has promised for several years to start on the paperwork for Canadian immigration for him, but he always makes excuses. I gotta tell you, more than once I've considered just packing up and going back home alone. I take my marriage vows very seriously though, so I stay.

About the only thing you can do is talk to your husband and tell him how you're feeling. If necessary, make an appointment with a couples' counselor, who may help mediate between you and help work out why he feels the need to stay, and why you feel the need to leave.

I can totally understand your position and the need to go back. My Aunt was just here visiting over night last weekend. She's also Canadian, but she lives in small town Florida. She can't stand Toronto and all the multi-cultural-ness of it. She prefers the homogeneity of small town USA life. I'm the exact opposite. I prefer the multi-cultural and I feel very very uncomfortable here. North Carolina is still very much segregated, and "locals" hate immigrants. Even though I'm white and Canadian, I have still been made to feel very un-welcome at times.

I hope you can work things out. I do understand how difficult it is, and how you can feel trapped.

[mountainraine1@yahoo.com]

[i] I am a Canadian and like most if not all Canadian's extremely proud of it. I have lived in the US for 23 years and have only managed a trip home 7 times in all of those years. I miss my family and my country. I have two grown sons now both serving the American Air Force. They were both born here and are American Citizens.
People don't understand when I say " I don't belong here" they take it personally as if to say that I am insulting the area they are from. I think perhaps you understand me though when I say, Try hard as I may to fit in I never will. I'm an outsider because I am different. I miss everything about Canada from the food to the weather.
If I thought my husband and I could make the move and provide for ourselves as well as we do here I believe I could finally talk him into moving. ( He recently watched the movie Sicko and now has a huge respect for the Canadianne's medical system) even though my boys lives are here. Even after all these years living here. I would still go back.

[Allyssa]

Hi Goldie,

I think there are a few tricks to surviving in another culture (and America is certainly different culturally). One trick is finding a few (even one or two) connections who totally understand you. Do you know any other people from Quebec living anywhere near you? (even other French speakers?) When I was living overseas I found 1 other Canadian that I could share with. We celebrated thanksgiving together, understood what baby showers were suppose to be like (very different ideas even among the other ex-pat's we were with), she knew where Winnipeg was without looking at a map, and we both said "eh" now and then. That was a huge comfort. She lived a 2 hour train ride away, so we only saw each other about once every 6 weeks, but she was still a connection.
Also, I found that even though I was very different in many ways from the people I lived around (an English speaking, Christian, Canadian among North African Arabs), when I choose to develop a love in my heart for these people and realized that I was not their to promote "Canadian" values, but to give love to the people God had put in my life, things went so much smoother. I ended up making some of the closest friends I have ever had, just by being totally willing to learn and make my "Canadian-ness" not the most important part of my life. I am sure neither of these ideas sound very easy, but my advice is to keep being strong and to reach out!
Allyssa

PS -- and make sure you have a good phone plan so that you can call folks back home regularly -(I would Skype home at least once per week) that helps a person get through tough times too!

[hc]

Hey All,
My fiance and I are in the same boat. I'm working so at least I have a social network but she can't. She's bored to death and courses etc only provide so much stimulation. We came here because I get paid a tax free per diem and the money I make is outstanding. We came here to clean up bills. Last month my fiance broke down and got really homesick so I bought her a ticket to Alberta so she could see friends and family. Last night I was listening to some maritime fiddle music and today is not good. We both miss Canada alot and are will not be renewing my TN in March. My company is casually trying to feel me out and get me to stay but, no way man. Money is not worth the sadness. Canada is the greatest place on earth and its where we belong.

One tip though that I can offer is to get Starchoice. We brought our dish and receiver with us. We watch Canadian TV, so when were at home it feels very familar.

[mountainraine1@yahoo.com]

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

[MarieR19]

Hey Goldie,

At least you are in LA! Things could be worse, I'd mention some city names but I may offend some! I am french too (from Montreal / West-Island), and I travel non stop across the US. So I feel your pain! But I've managed to find little tricks such as did you know that on Amazon.com you can literally order any book in french? I find reading in french keeps me connected to my roots. Also, lots of french movies can be found on the Sundance channel, that helps too!

French people are everywhere, I am sure with a local cultural center, art center etc. you can find people who speak "français" just like you! I've created a blog, and often post in french, people sometimes reply in french too!

Making friends in any country is just like at home. Get involved, and it'll happen. Who knows, maybe you can offer your services to some family to teach french to their kids?

But if you have tons of doubts, and are struggling to integrate, maybe somehow you don't really want to integrate so it could be easier for you to reason yourself for going back home.